Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Need a place to vent

So what better place is there than a blog I no longer use?

It's taking me *hours* to fill in forms, write emails, all for one situation, because my stress levels are so high that just the thought of writing is causing me extra stress. I've been staring at this screen for I don't know how long. Everything takes so much time. I can't get myself in motion.

I read today about 'conversion disorder': basically, your body responds with physical symptoms to a mental distress you're simply not aware of. I mean, I'm aware I have stress; my brain functions normally, I can think, rationalize, analyze, etc, and I experience no anxiety - except that my body is completely shaking inside and makes me want to cry for no reason and EVERYTHING FEELS SO DAMN FUCKING HARD I can't put it into better words. The stress makes me bite down on my fingers, shake uncontrollably, impairs my speech, makes my fingers twitch and disrupts the synchronization words-to-fingers. My attention spawn's that of a goldfish. But, y'know, I feel chill and relaxed.

The nice thing is: I'm not insane, my body is.

Right now, i'm hating life with a passion. XD

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Sunday Special - On temporary hiatus

And the main reason of it is: I have struggled for weeks to get content done, and feel that I need to take a break from it until the time comes for me to return to Aeyuu. With the deadline for Fates' editing coming ever closer, I find myself too detached from Aeyuu for now to deliver good content. I could probably do it, but it comes at too heavy a mental cost at the time. And since one ought to enjoy what they do, and I'm really not enjoying this anymore (for now), it seems to make sense to take a hiatus.

So when will Sunday Special be back?

Well, the editing deadline (=when Fates must be fully ready) is April 1st. I have no idea how the editing process will go, but I figure it'll take some time for my editor to get things done, so I'll have room to get back to Aeyuu then. I miss my characters a lot, but Fates' currently take far more brainspace (especially Frank; damn you Frank *shakes fist*). So, instead of fighting the flow, I'm just gonna go with it for now.

In the meantime, feel free to browse the other Aeyuu-related websites, or previous blogs! I share snippets every week on Twitter, Facebook and Patreon, so keep an eye out for those ^^

Thanks for reading, and see you in a few weeks. ;)


Every Sunday I run a Special relating to my writing endeavours and the world of Aeyuu, which is the stage for many stories developed further through the Tales from Aeyuu Patreon. These Blogs are closely tied with my novel-to-be, The Age of Silence, which is basically a story about LoveSacrifice, and Death.

Previous Special Arcs:
0. TAoS Themes (3 journals)
1. The Syrilae (7 journals)
2. The Necrolore (6 journals)
3. The Denumbra (2 journals)
4. Vampires (5 journals)
5. Wyr (2 journals; to be resumed around April!)

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Sunday Special #25 – Wyr physiology – Bestial bloodlines


Every Sunday I run a Special relating to my writing endeavours and the world of Aeyuu, which is the stage for many stories developed further through the Tales from Aeyuu Patreon. These Blogs are closely tied with my novel-to-be, The Age of Silence, which is basically a story about LoveSacrifice, and Death.

Previous Special Arcs:
0. TAoS Themes (3 journals)
1. The Syrilae (7 journals)
2. The Necrolore (6 journals)
3. The Denumbra (2 journals)
4. Vampires (5 journals)

Today, we'll discover more about a race as ancient as it is ill-known: the Wyr.


Wyr physiology: generalities

In general, a Wyr in either Human or animal form cannot be distinguished from its natural counterparts. Humanoid Wyr resemble Humans in all ways, and if one asked a Wyr, they'd say that it isn't quite a matter of being Human or beast, but rather that they are both at once.

It is in mentality that Wyr greatly diverge from Humans. As beasts they will obey primordial needs, such as companionship and nourishment - needs that remain intact, though weaker, when they stand as Humans. As such a humanoid Wyr might be easily spotted in the way they hold themselves - tall, proud, speaking simple words as though divulging wisdom. Only since the War of Fangs do knowledgeable Humans know what signs to look for in Human and beast alike when seeking out the Wyr.

And they have found that the most failproof manner to detect a Wyr is to contemplate the eyes of beasts. From a distance it will be impossible to tell whether a beast is natural or Wyr, but from up close eyes will not lie: for all Wyr in animal form have in common vivid yellow eyes without pupils. This phenomenon is exclusive to their bestial forms, as humanoid Wyr will sport eye colours of natural Human colours, such as blue or green. Sometimes, a humanoid Wyr will show yellow eyes - just as Humans born of Elven descent might. But animal eyes, to the wary, will never lie.

And they know which animals to look for.


Wairs

The Wairs are predominantly found in the Empire, and thus named for the race of massive felines that have roamed Human forests for ages. Wair Wyr have a strong sense of family, and may even care about other individuals such as Humans or Elves, indiscriminately. The Wairs also care greatly about their young, and will teach them independence as soon as they are able.

They are the empaths of the Wyr race, caregivers, kind souls who only seek to live in peace, as do the true Wairs.


Wolves

Wolves are the second most predominant Wyr race in the Human Empire, and have also settled down in the Western, Elf-regulated Malmermian Dominion. The Wolves are far more reclusive and individualistic than Wairs; they are the thinkers, the logical minds - those who would condemn one life if it benefit a thousand more. Their care lies in preserving their kind, sometimes specific individuals as well.

They are also most plagued by inherited diseases, with symptoms ranging from uncontrollable tremors to fits of rage quite similar to a Vampire's Hunger. To this day, science has yet to reveal a cure.


Bears

Bears are far and few between, almost unknown even to the Wyr themselves. With good reason: the Bears are to the Wyr what Kings are to Human society. The Bears are rumoured to be the strongest among Wyr, and also the most ruthless. Where a Wolf would kill one man for the sake of many, a Bear will kill one man even to preserve just one. As rumours go, it is believed the Bears led assaults upon Vampires during the War of Fangs, in order to preserve the Wyr race. No clans or packs of Bears exist as far as the Imperial Wyr know.

With so little known about them, and Bears greatly apt to hide their true nature beneath Human guise, they remain a mystery no Wyr is willing to find the truth of.


Rumours

Centuries upon centuries of interracial breeding has, at times, led to what history remembers as 'rumoured anomalies' that may simply be unknown types of Wyr. Wolves and wairs dominate the Human lands, and little is known of the animals that roam foreign territories. History recorded ferocious horses and flying wairs among the Elven Elshir, giant snakes deep in the Arborian woods, not to mention rumours of Dragons living atop the mountains of the Malmernian Dominion.

Truth will perhaps never be known, but it will certainly keep scholars guessing and alchemists craving for as long as Humanity lives.

* * *

And that is all for this week. It was fun to give the Wyr some photographic refs, especially for the Wairs :D not sure yet what I'll talk about next week, so if anyone wants to know something about the Wyr, now's the time to let me know ;)

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the next Sunday Special, same Blogger channel :D

Enjoying the world of Aeyuu?
Please consider Supporting me
on Patreon. Thank you ^^

Open letter

Dear friend,

I really hate envying you. Especially on your birthday; but this is at the same time the day I discover how little space there still is in your life for me. Perhaps there's a reason for it; perhaps I'm the problem. Not really the easiest person to be friends with, as I tend to be rather asocial. Yet it seems like yesterday we were talking every day, and now, I can't even get you to help me out for two minutes. I do understand having other (better?) things to do. I also understand having more than one close friend.

But I only really have you.

And when this closeness disappears from one day to the next, all I've got left is a hole in my heart that naturally fills up with jealousy. Jealousy is a many-teethed monstrousity that makes me frantically try and hold on, never realizing I'm constricting the other to death. And, paradoxically, pushing them away. And completely ignoring my role in the fact you're even at the great place of having more friends to rely on.

This is sort of the story of my life. I'm here for people, I help them out - I be their pillar, because that's simply what I know I must do. And, eventually, they take flight... and I remain, alone. There's a reason I avoid making close friends anymore. I can't stand the hurt.

I also can't stand being this way. Even if I'm not important at this time: I was; I may be again. But more to the point: I can't keep pushing people to evolve and then cry over the fact they do, even if so be the result that I'm abandoned. I've always been an agent of chaos; what is to break, breaks. Whether through another, or through me. And rationale tells me I really shouldn't worry, nor let the past dictate my present. And you know why? Because you're a very different person from the one my fears compare you to. You care about me. And I am more than one to know that not talking to one another doesn't mean the care is gone. Rather, life hands us other priorities.

I suppose I should just try and accept that, at this point in my life, I need so much support, I crave so much attention, that losing but one pair of eyes sends me down a dark spiral. It makes me forget that I'm not really alone. But well, how are people to know what's going on inside you, when you never tell them?

And I never tell them because I understand people have lives, and I don't want to be a bother. I also just fear putting myself out there and receiving no help in return. The latter's certainly the worse. I'm full of insecurity, of fear, yet I keep 'knowing' that things will be explosively good this year. It doesn't make sense. Not when I feel like breaking down crying and kicking.

And as ever I digress, but then not entirely, for everything is twined together. You're not the problem; I am. Or, rather, that part of myself that is triggered by this fear of loss is the problem. Or maybe yet the problem isn't a problem in itself, but rather just an obstacle to surmount - because that's always what I do. I don't really know how to; maybe just stop meeting people, but then people sometimes just meet me. And I'm reminded that everything happens for a reason.

And that I forget, oh how I forget, that I need scaley fire to keep going.

So thus I write this little letter I will never mail, and that you may never read. I write it to myself as well, because voicing the self is the key to understanding the self and turning the pages of my life.

I suppose I'll always be afraid. And I may always get jealous, because I'll always have that 15-year-old kid in my heart who was ostracized and desperately needs people to see her. To accept her for who she is. And there are few people indeed who can, who will, who see the darkness and not fear it or give it names that aren't real. In the tarot, Death is change - and change is as necessary as it is terrifying. But Death is always alone. He brings change, yet never witnesses it.

Layers upon layers; beneath jealousy, hurt - beneath hurt, loneliness - beneath loneliness, and fear, and everything else, there's that depressed little kid who just wants friends, and to be heard. And acknowledged. And the adult gets pissed off when this is ripped away from her. In a way, perhaps I'm just protecting my self, my core. And I do know better than to blindly charge at people anymore, as proves this post; nowadays, I just write, vent, let the frustration out so I can dissect it and gather the tools of liberation.

Which, I more and more come to realize, is a certain novel that I've been pouring far more of myself in than I'd thought. It may even be triggering all this angst. Because there is jealousy and twisted needs for attention and acceptance, and change.

In the meantime, I find only solace in solitude, in stepping away from the outside world and letting it be, so I can simply be. For what will envy bring me, or fear, or wallowing? However, before I do, I must admit: I clearly need you far more than I realized or even said. It's not easy setting yourself up to be vulnerable. I've learned to avoid it, because loss is then right around the corner.

But, clearly, loss exists behind these walls as well.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

On Letting Go - When past and present intertwine

I've been having a difficult few days. Everything kind of culminated this morning, as I turned on my computer, then Discord, and realized one of my closest friend never replied to yesterday's asking of how she's doing, despite having been online for hours.

It had already started for me on Sunday, when I'd asked if she could proofread a feature post of mine. It's the sort of thing that takes not even five minutes, but she didn't have time. There was room for chatting, but not for helping out. This morning, things sort of made sense in my mind.

When you always try and be present for others when they need you, and you don't receive that in return: it hurts. A lot. Especially when you've always been present to spend hours talking about important things, but can't receive five minutes of their time. It's not that it's a requisite, of course; someone else might not be bothered. Or maybe I wouldn't have been bothered if I'd not been in a more vulnerable mood lately. In the end, it's of course not this friend's fault. I did learn from the past and thus let her know how I feel, whenever she ends up reading it.

But as much as I've learned from the past, parts of it still pursue me to this day. Things I, clearly, haven't dealt with yet. But I don't know how to. Hence why I write it all up.

I know I've mentioned before how I used to have this friend with whom the friendship died. Be it fact or my fears acting up, I'm seeing similarities with my current predicament. One friend not present enough, the other subsequently pulling away and finding other friends, ultimately leaving their first friend on the side of the road, alone, hurt. This is exactly how it feels - how it looks. The greatest difference of all is that this current friend has shown interest in me and my life a whole damn lot, which the ex-friend never really did. There was a lot of taking there; here, there's a lot of giving. Yet my mind is placing both friendships on the same line and making me panic.

I'm not good at dealing with feeling like I'm shoved on the sidelines. I suspect I never will be. It's what happens when you get bullied in school and made to feel you don't belong. When you finally do belong somewhere, and you feel like this is getting ripped away from you, you go a little crazy. It's to avoid this feeling that I also avoid making too many friends; but friendships happen nonetheless, despite my disposition.

It's already hard enough fitting in when you don't fit in. When you do meet like-minded people, you tend to cling. When they try and go live their life, you try and cling harder. Or, like me, you go cry in your corner over things you know are just in your head and that you can't get rid of.

Which is pretty funny considering my novel-to-be Fates is entirely about 'letting go'. There's a lot I've let go of, but some things obviously still pursue me. All I have is hindsight, which helps in knowing how not to act, but not in how to cope. Or deal. Or move on. The past's chains are heavy. I can't figure out how to get them off.

For all I know, I'll figure it out once my friend answers. After all, this is the first time I'm placed in this particular situation with her, so perhaps all it'll take is a discussion to know where I stand. I've already talked to her about my issues with jealousy towards other friends; but this is a different sentiment. Or, rather, it makes the sentiment clearer. I'm not jealous per se of other people: I'm jealous of the relationship that, in my eyes, seems stronger/closer than what I'm left with. Except I know it's all in my head.

Incidentally, I'm seeing great similarities between myself and my character Frank. A bit too much to my liking, as Frank is a terrible bully XD but it'd somewhat explain to me why I want to redeem him. At the same time, I don't want to fall into the tropes; to the people you hurt, you'll always be a monster, especially if the victim never quite recovers. That's something I'll want to explore. And I can't deny that it pisses me off to know some people in the story will like the person said bully becomes. To the victim I once was, this feels so unfair. Maybe the story is the reason I'm having personal issues right now. The emotions are tearing me apart.

All this said and done, I can't do more right now than back away from social activities for a few days and focus on the book. Maybe, once I no longer dredge stuff up through these characters, I'll be able to let go of a few things. Might just be that it's all temporary, but fear makes me think the worst.

Letting go of fear. Now that'd be something awesome. Every year I try and do just that, and always end up failing at some point. I should introduce Fear to Sorrow. Maybe they'd hit it off and leave me alone.

And with this mental image I shall bow out. Time to get some writing done. Two months left to finish my book before it heads for its editor.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Sunday Special #24 – The Wyr: an introduction


Every Sunday I run a Special relating to my writing endeavours and the world of Aeyuu, which is the stage for many stories developed further through the Tales from Aeyuu Patreon. These Blogs are closely tied with my novel-to-be, The Age of Silence, which is basically a story about LoveSacrifice, and Death.

Previous Special Arcs:
0. TAoS Themes (3 journals)
1. The Syrilae (7 journals)
2. The Necrolore (6 journals)
3. The Denumbra (2 journals)
4. Vampires (5 journals)

Today, we'll discover more about a race as ancient as it is ill-known: the Wyr.


Scraps of history

If you ask a Wyr, they will say that their race has existed for as long as there has been Humans in the world; yet if you were to ask a Human, they would say that the Wyr have only existed for several centuries at most. Until the War of Fangs, a great civil war that opposed Vampires and Wyr on Human territories, what few Wyr had lived hidden among said Humans avoided coming forward. In a land where beasts are killed for their fur and meat, the Wyr know better than to reveal themselves - not only for their own sake, but for the sake of true animals that might get caught in the crossfires. Human greed is something the Wyr have never understood, but learned to contend with while settling on their new homeland.

According to those rare Wyr who preoccupy themselves with past facts, the Wyr originate from the great tundras far to the south-west of the Human lands. Their home was colonized centuries ago by Elves fleeing the Human rules, after it was decreed by Human sovereigns that Elves ought to be killed on sight. There the Elves built a new home, the now prosperous Malmernian Dominion. Many Wyr decided to live in this society, and live there to this day. Those who fled the invaders in search of peace found thus their way to the Human lands, thought of when discovered as a new race. Most everywhere, Wyr acclimated and blended in with Human society.

What is important to remember about the Wyr, which many a Human who have met them will corroborate, is that though born in all aspects a Human, a Wyr thinks and acts quite like an animal at heart. Wyr are born Human, but with a beast's spirit; as such, they are not prone to bursts of emotion, but rather act according to instinct and rationale. It is this trait that sometimes accidentally reveals them to potential threats. A Wyr may not be as strong as a Vampire, nor a cunning tactician like trappers and traffickers; they may very well only be able to rely on the reflexes and might of a beast.

And beasts the Wyr are, in nature but also in form. Wyr are natural shapeshifters, descending from one of three great lines: wolves, who by nature are more rational and independent; wairs, native felines of the Human lands, who are caring individuals; and bears, a rarer breed, often independent individuals who harbour a deep sense of duty towards Wyrkind, and strive through all means necessary to balance Wyr prosperity and natives' rights. Little truly is known of potential rulers among Wyr, but the Wyr themselves claim to have no rulers - not as Humans understand. There are no kings or queens, only understanding. And, if need be, deep disagreements are resolved with claws and fangs. Always out of sight of Humans, as the affairs of the Wyr concern none but them.

With the centuries passing and the Imperial Wyr forgetting whence they came, they have made Human history as part of their own. Unlike Vampires, the Wyr care about laws and rules, and will abide to those rules that do not contradict their primary instincts. As such they are often well-liked, be they deemed aloof or strange, and are productive members of a society always in need of loyalty and manpower. With their rational and logical thinking, Wyr are prized assistants to alchemists and healers alike, and it is even whispered that the Wyr are at the source of certain scientific advancements such as guns and precise time management.

Yet, in the darker corners of the world, it still does happen that a shifted Wyr dies skinned alive, mistaken for a common animal. This, the Wyr understand is a small price to pay for all that mankind has to offer.

* * *

And that is all for this week. Next week we'll explore the three major Wyr lines, as well as note a few exceptions to established rules ;)

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the next Sunday Special, same Blogger channel :D

Enjoying the world of Aeyuu?
Please consider Supporting me
on Patreon. Thank you ^^

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Sunday Special #23 – The War of Fangs


Every Sunday I run a Special relating to my writing endeavours and the world of Aeyuu, which is the stage for many stories developed further through the Tales from Aeyuu Patreon. These Blogs are closely tied with my novel-to-be, The Age of Silence, which is basically a story about LoveSacrifice, and Death.

Previous Special Arcs:
0. TAoS Themes (3 journals)
1. The Syrilae (7 journals)
2. The Necrolore (6 journals)
3. The Denumbra (2 journals)

Today, we explore an important event in the history of mankind: the bloody war that opposed Vampires and Wyr.


The War of Fangs

How and when this War truly started is a fact historians still disagree on, but one thing is for certain: it is one of the bloodiest wars Humanity has ever known, as it originated on its own lands and suddenly opposed creatures that had long lived hidden among them. This war, which officially started several centuries ago and ended about a couple of centuries later, became known as the War of Fangs.

Another aspect of this war, which historians do globally agree on however, is that the Vampires started it - for reasons incomprehensible to most Humans. What drove the Vampires to come out of hiding? What made them attack on sight those people whom they saw for the Wyr they truly were? According to rumours garnered in taverns and seedy brothels, Vampires sought what the ambitious can only understand: more power. And they may have found it in the blood of the Wyr.

History reported cases of monstrous beings, abominations that seemed born to man and beast at once and only demonstrated proficiency in the killing of anything and anyone crossing their path. Rumour, and some of the Wyr themselves, explain away these beasts as mutated Vampires who drank too long and deep of the Wyr blood. Mutations imprinted upon a Vampire's essence, that eventually led to madness and death. It is believed none of these rumoured abominations remain to this day - if ever they existed. Humans, who only live about 40 years of age, may only rely on history as it is passed down to their generation, or on the stories told to them by the long-lasting. And few Humans nowadays believe in more than the existence of Vampires, as all non-Humans have been banished from the Sommerdiev Empire, and Wyr know well how to keep themselves hidden in plain sight.

But this war rang in a new era for the Humans. Caught in a bloodbath between forces no Human could withstand, they began to figure out ways to try and keep themselves safe. Toxins, weapons, traps - Humans developed a certain ingenuity that they'd lost after the distant Elshir stopped invading their lands. What they lacked in strength they made up with weapons like guns and hollowed-out blades filled with poison. In time, Vampires realized they were fighting a losing war, and returned back to the darkness from whence they'd come.

This rang in a new era for the Wyr as well, who started proliferating among Humans.

* * *

And that is all for this week. Next week I'll start talking about the Wyr, who are essentially werewolves - but not only! ;)

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the next Sunday Special, same Blogger channel :D

Enjoying the world of Aeyuu?
Please consider Supporting me
on Patreon. Thank you ^^